Over Little Heads

So far I have only blogged about home economics. Although I consider this a parenting blog as well, I initially felt a bit reluctant to give parenting advice. Mostly because my son is still very young and I don't have a ton of experience as a father. But also because I realize how passionate people feel about the topic and I don't want to get in the middle of one of the many contentious issues that parents debate these days. Nor do I have any desire to dictate to people how they should raise their kids, because I know I don't care for that attitude from other people. Still, this is a parenting blog and I think I can offer some sound advice that parents might want to give a shot if they have not already. It has worked for me so far and I hope this approach will continue to do so.

Like most parents I believe my child is rather intelligent. I might attribute this to my own fatherly pride if so many people did not make a point of telling me how bright they think he is. They might just tell me this out of politeness, but I have no way of knowing this. I admit that even if he is objectively very bright I might not have played that big a role. Genetics, luck, and factors beyond my control all contribute to a child's development. Regular readers of this blog will know that I have done my best to give him a healthy diet by cooking nutritious meals. But if I have played any part beyond that I attribute it to two things.

First, I pay attention to him as much as possible and try to understand him. You can learn a lot a from books, other parents, and pediatricians. But I think you can only learn so much from others and you should not let yourself follow any parenting advice too rigidly (even mine). Every family is different and you need to do what works best for you and your child. In fact, I think reading too much about parenting can cause you to worry excessively or to doubt your own intuition. We all need guidance, but we all must find our own way.

Second, I communicate with my son without worrying too much about going "over his head". Sure, he might not understand everything I say. But he understands more than I think and he will often surprise me by showing me just how much he comprehends. Kids always want to play with objects you put out of their reach. I think the same goes for ideas. If you present them with an idea they can't quite grasp, they will work to get a hold on it. This encourages them to think and expand their understanding. It also occupies them and makes them more content with LESS (Less Energy Stimulation and Stuff).

This benefits you too. Any parent who spends a lot of time alone with a child knows that it can get boring at times no matter how amazing you find your child. Keeping yourself mentally occupied by explaining things to your child keeps you both engaged with one another. It helps them understand the world more and it allows you to have a part in shaping that understanding. They might even end up teaching you something through their unconventional responses to your explanations.

This has relevance for all parents, but it also touches on a useful idea for those concerned about the slow decline of industrial society. To help explain I turn to one of my favorite passages from Marshall McLuhan's The Medium is The Massage where he points out that, "The 'child' was an invention of the seventeenth century; he did not exist in, say, Shakespeare's day. He had up until that time, been merged in the adult world and there was nothing that could be called childhood in our sense."

This resonates with me as much now as it did when I read it a decade ago. It might sound hard to believe, but I often wished my parents would have given me more responsibilities growing up. Like many people of my generation, I arrived at college having never done my own laundry or cooked more than a few eggs for myself. Sure, I watched my mom cook enough that I had some idea of how to make a decent dinner. But it would have helped both of us if I had started giving her a hand back in grade school. I don't plan to let my toddler use sharp knives anytime soon, but I would like him to have more skills and feel more self-reliant when he reaches college age. Of course I want to give him an enjoyable childhood, but I also want to prepare him for the rest of his life. The road ahead looks much tougher than the one behind.

At the moment this means doing chores with my son and letting him "help". He really enjoys doing the things that daddy does. At the moment this means he does things like carrying the compost bucket to the pile and watering the garden beds. Many parents have told me that once kids become old enough to actually help they no longer want to. I get that. I know the likelihood of getting kids to do chores changes depending on their stage of development. But I want him to at least have some familiarity with things in the adult world and I would rather have him do chores grudgingly and infrequently than not all.

I think part of the rebellion of adolescence comes from the patronizing attitude parents and other authority figures show towards young adults. I think if we integrated young people more into adult life instead of coddling them, we would find it harder to condescend to them. Perhaps they would understand us better too. They might also have an easier time navigating adult life.

But I have gotten ahead of myself. I don't have a teenager yet. Right now I have a 20 month old son who only says one word at a time. Despite his monosyllabic communication, I often give him very lengthy responses. The way I read so much into one word makes me feel a bit like Han Solo talking to Chewbacca. Or to cite a more recent film, like Rocket talking to Groot. I guess like those characters I know my son well enough to understand the different meanings a word can have depending on the context. I hope that continuing to talk with him will help him keep growing as well.